Friday, April 9, 2010

She Moves In Her Own Way

This post in inspired by a few things, one of which is the song by the Kooks, which I have recently come to love.

It's also inspired by some introspection as well as some reading I was doing today in a book called Understanding the Whole Student by Clifford Mayes, et al. The section I was reading was about how people struggle with forming an identity when they have a hard time fitting in to certain societies or norms, or when they have a hard time labeling themselves. As I was thinking about it, I realized that this is one of my problems. I know that I'm not an incredibly unique person and I've had lots of different people label me in lots of different ways, but that's just the problem. I get different comments from everyone about who I am and I'm past the point of believing any of them.

I've never felt that I really truly fit in to any group. At school, I was always the Mormon girl that didn't have as much money as most of her friends. At church, I was always either the older girl or the younger girl, or the girl from the other ward. At home, I just somehow never really fit in. I've always been different from my sister and have felt different from my parents in a lot of ways as well. Now that I'm here, I am part Utahan and part Californian. I can't pick between the Jazz and the Lakers and I don't really want to. I love the city, but I love the beach and I love the mountains, so I'm pretty sure a small town would suit me just fine as well. I value independence, but I also think human relationships are the most valuable thing we have in this life. I like to read, write music, and run, but I can't really claim that I'm either an avid reader, a composer, or a runner. So, in other words, it's incredibly hard for me to find labels.

We did an exercise in one of my classes the other day where we were supposed to label ourselves as we were in high school. The labels were jock, prep, nerd, and artsy/stoner (confusing category). I couldn't pick one. I felt pulled towards all of them. So I stayed where I was already sitting, which just happened to be the jocks... I did one year of sports in high school... so clearly, I wasn't a true jock, but I felt no stronger pull to any other category, so there I sat. People, usually over curious guys that want to label me, ask me what kind of a girl I was in high school and I honestly have no idea. They usually assume I was a cheerleader, which couldn't be further from the truth.

I think we all have issues kind of like this, but I feel that mine has been somewhat extreme and the only consistent thing has been my lack of complete commitment to one thing or another as being at the core of who I am. I try to tell myself that I'm just well balanced, but I'm not really sure that's true either. In thinking about all of this though, I feel I've kind of found my own identity to be made up largely of two things: the fact that I am constantly changing and am ever resistant of labels and the fact that I'm a daughter of God. And, I suppose, in my own mind, that is the best identity I could ask for.


Shannon said...

I think you're far from alone in feeling like you don't fit the labels. At least you recognize the most important one! :)

mal said...


Dane Ficklin said...

I like your grammar. It makes me happy.

Shayna said...

Who says you have to have a label? :)

Cathleen said...

Only you know who you are.
All I know is that you are fantastic and I love the fact that you are not like anyone else. It makes you exciting and lovable.
I never fit into any category either. People used to tell me I was very sweet, but then would say they ended up being surprised by how smart or opinionated I am. (Like the two of those don't fit together or something.) And in high school I just floated around, with close friends in every group; never really belonging to any of them. Oh well. (I was never anything CLOSE to being a jock though. HAHA.)
No one knows but you. :) They can only guess.


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