How am I supposed to take it when EVERYONE I work with says something to the effect of, "Becky, when I first met you, I thought you wanted to kill me," or, "I thought you were super mean when I first met you, but you're alright now"? I have had comments like that from a surprising number of people. By that, I literally mean at least 90% of the employees at Los Hermanos, some other friends, and most recently, an employee at the CTL. Sometimes it's provoked, but most of the time, the information is offered up freely with the added, "No offense," or, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but..." These comments have been popping up here and there for the past year probably, but lately, I can't have a conversation with somebody without them saying that. What the heck? Am I really that awful? I must be. If determining what my personality is like is done by way of a democracy made up of my friends and associates, the people have definitely spoken. Um... so now what? At first my thoughts were, "Well, since most of the time, people come to the conclusion that I'm actually a nice person, that's all that really matters, right?" But now that everyone has jumped on the Becky-is-the-worst-at-first band wagon, I'm starting to think I ought to be a little bit more kind to people I don't know. This is going to take so much effort!
Maybe if I just try to see everyone for the awesome person that they probably are from the first time I meet them, it will get easier. But what if they aren't awesome? This is so hard! How are some people so nice and yet so sincere? I know that sounded like a weird question, but we all know that there are the outwardly overly friendly folk, who everyone knows are being fake, and there are the semi-fake people who are friendly but you can't really tell if they are being sincere or not and they sort of gossip a lot, and there are the folk (like me, apparently) who just aren't friendly, and then there are the sincerely friendly people that just love everyone and you never hear say a mean thing. It is my experience that these people are a little bit hard to come by, but I want to be one of them and I am clearly very far from that.
So, in conclusion, I am a bit of a bad egg and I'm sorry if I was ever a brat to you. I'm working on it.
It's also inspired by some introspection as well as some reading I was doing today in a book called Understanding the Whole Student by Clifford Mayes, et al. The section I was reading was about how people struggle with forming an identity when they have a hard time fitting in to certain societies or norms, or when they have a hard time labeling themselves. As I was thinking about it, I realized that this is one of my problems. I know that I'm not an incredibly unique person and I've had lots of different people label me in lots of different ways, but that's just the problem. I get different comments from everyone about who I am and I'm past the point of believing any of them.
I've never felt that I really truly fit in to any group. At school, I was always the Mormon girl that didn't have as much money as most of her friends. At church, I was always either the older girl or the younger girl, or the girl from the other ward. At home, I just somehow never really fit in. I've always been different from my sister and have felt different from my parents in a lot of ways as well. Now that I'm here, I am part Utahan and part Californian. I can't pick between the Jazz and the Lakers and I don't really want to. I love the city, but I love the beach and I love the mountains, so I'm pretty sure a small town would suit me just fine as well. I value independence, but I also think human relationships are the most valuable thing we have in this life. I like to read, write music, and run, but I can't really claim that I'm either an avid reader, a composer, or a runner. So, in other words, it's incredibly hard for me to find labels.
We did an exercise in one of my classes the other day where we were supposed to label ourselves as we were in high school. The labels were jock, prep, nerd, and artsy/stoner (confusing category). I couldn't pick one. I felt pulled towards all of them. So I stayed where I was already sitting, which just happened to be the jocks... I did one year of sports in high school... so clearly, I wasn't a true jock, but I felt no stronger pull to any other category, so there I sat. People, usually over curious guys that want to label me, ask me what kind of a girl I was in high school and I honestly have no idea. They usually assume I was a cheerleader, which couldn't be further from the truth.
I think we all have issues kind of like this, but I feel that mine has been somewhat extreme and the only consistent thing has been my lack of complete commitment to one thing or another as being at the core of who I am. I try to tell myself that I'm just well balanced, but I'm not really sure that's true either. In thinking about all of this though, I feel I've kind of found my own identity to be made up largely of two things: the fact that I am constantly changing and am ever resistant of labels and the fact that I'm a daughter of God. And, I suppose, in my own mind, that is the best identity I could ask for.
First time... I think that's pretty good and I'm going to forgive myself and used these stolen photos to represent what I like to call LOST Wednesday. I don't ever get to watch LOST on Tuesday because I'm usually working or my TV isn't working, so I watch it on Hulu on Wednesday. Anyway, last night's episode was EPIC. And I was going to just post a sexy picture of my second favorite character, Desmond. But, I love the Desmond and Penny combo even more than I love him so I went with that. Also, Charlie. You'll understand if you watch the episode.